A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
