meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
