made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
