Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Randomize
