he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
