apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
