jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
