Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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