So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
