there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
