I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
