I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
