be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
