woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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