coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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