I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
