Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
