So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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