Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
