Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
