Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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