I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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