So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
