Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
