Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
