i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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