and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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