I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
