I have demons in me.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
