I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
