bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
