the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
