I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
