He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
