if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
