tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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