I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
