This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
