Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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