I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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