I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
