A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
