Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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