My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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