The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
