I can text with my tongue
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
