i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
