the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You took a bar mat shot.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
