Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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