i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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