I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
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Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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