Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
