I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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