Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
