I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
