Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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