I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
