I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
