FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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