I feel like abortions should bother me more
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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